


Big in all the Wrong Places (but you're not)

by tabemonohime



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Chubby, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Girls Being Supportive, Hurt, Insecure Reader-chan, Not Eating, Past Issues, Trauma, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Weight Issues, when ur not fine but u gotta tough it out man, why tsukki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:01:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24220078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabemonohime/pseuds/tabemonohime
Summary: Reader-chan accompanies Akaashi to the training camp with all the schools.Tsukishima, being the ray of sunshine he is, makes a comment.It doesn't make you feel good.It hurts.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Reader
Comments: 12
Kudos: 170





	1. Training Camp Time

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, if you're someone who's insecure and reading this, I just want you guys to know that you are perfect, and don't let other bring you down. never put yourself down and don't ever put others down either. 
> 
> be proud of the body you have and never, ever, resort to any sort of eating disorder or extreme diet.
> 
> just love yourselves, and those who don't love you, you don't deserve them.

You never loved your body. 

From when you were younger till now, you noticed you were bigger than the other kids. And not in a height sort of way. 

You looked in the mirror and saw: arms that were too flabby, thighs and calves that were too thick, a protruding stomach. You hated how you felt something jiggle when you walked. 

You loathed your appearance. 

This had caused you anxiety from when you were younger. 

You always believed you were never enough. 

But you somehow got Akaashi Keiji as your boyfriend. 

And that was a total miracle.

THE Akaashi Keiji. Perfect hair, face, body, brain, good at sports. Everyone at your school wanted to date him. 

But for some reason, he chose you. 

You became manager of the volleyball club along with Yukie, and even the slight whispers you heard behind your back and sounds of laughter couldn't bring you down.

Akaashi always told you how much he loved you and your body, easing some of that anxiety. Everyone on the volleyball team were so nice to you. But deep down, it still hurt at times. 

During the dead of night, when you were lying in bed, sometimes your mind went to a dark place. 

One night before the training camp, these thoughts plagued you:

Why is he dating me?

Is this some kind of bet he lost?

Is this just a prolonged prank?

Is he just...making fun of me?

The moment these thoughts entered your mind, you felt bile rise in your throat, burning.

Running to the bathroom, you thanked God for letting you get there in time to raise the toilet lid. 

After emptying the contents of your dinner, you dragged yourself back to bed, ready for another restless night. 

The next morning, you woke up with horrible bags under your eyes. Ugh, you hoped no one would notice.

Of course, Akaashi, being the sweetheart he was, immediately noticed. Sometimes you wished he wasn't so observant. 

"________, you okay?"

Putting on your best smile, you replied with the most cheerful voice you could muster, "Yep! Why wouldn't I be?"

Raising an eyebrow, he let it drop, "Ok then, we're gonna get on the bus now, so make sure you don't forget anything."

You smiled as he went over to Bokuto, You loved your boyfriend. You loved him so much that you couldn't help thinking that he could do way better than you. 

There were tons of girls, prettier, thinner, with better style, nicer, kinder, you name it...the list goes on. 

You felt something prick at your heart, but you ignored it.

"________-chan, let's go!" Yukie called from on the bus. You smiled and got on the bus, settling yourself next to her.

You felt slight regret for agreeing to come to the training camp.

You felt out of place.

Everyone here was fit, tall, handsome or pretty. Especially the managers from Karasuno. One of them was cute and the other was drop-dead gorgeous. You couldn't help but stare at her, it felt like the had a sparkling aura around her 24/7. 

She was so different from you. 

Luckily, the people you had met had been very nice. No one said anything about your appearance, and you started to settle in. 

It wasn't till after dinner that something happened. 

You were sitting on the bench in the 3rd Gymnasium. Laughing at Bokuto's antics while he called for Akaashi to toss to him again and again. Kuroo from Nekoma was there too, laughing at the both of them.

"AkAaAaShi! Just one moreeeee..." he whined, very unlike an ace.

Akaashi sighed, "Bokuto-san, I'm-oya?"

"Oya, oya?"

"Oya, oya, oya..."

A blonde boy stood at the entrance. You remembered that he was part of...Karasuno?

Bokuto was the first to speak, "Tsukki!!!! You came here to practice?"

"Please don't call me that." the boy replied with disgust on his face, "I'm just here to wait. Yamaguchi said he's practicing more and I don't want to be stuck in the room with the idiot duo."

He proceeded to walk next to you, sparing you one glance and then looking at the court. Part of you was glad he didn't pay any attention to you. 

After the game, Akaashi walked over, gladly accepting the towel and water bottle from you. Giving you a quick kiss on the forehead, he smiled. 

"I'm gonna go shower with the guys now, so you should go back to your room."

You nodded, "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."

Watching as he left with Bokuto and Kuroo, you gathered your things, preparing to go back to the girls room. 

"Wow." a voice sounded behind you.

You froze, "Y-yes?"

The blonde boy, Tsukishima, you had learned, spoke, "You're dating him?"

You nodded.

Smirking, the words he said next struck through every one of your insecurities.

"So? How'd you even start dating? Got some dirt on him or something? You should see yourself standing next to him. It's comical."

Your heart clenched uncomfortably at those words, your brain screaming at you that every single word was true. You felt your anxiety creeping up again. 

"Y-you think I don't know that?" you quickly retorted the best you could, running away as fast as your legs took you. 

Tears pricked at your eyes while you kept thinking of the words he said. 

You knew it. You didn't deserve him. 

You quietly entered the room. The girls were in a circle off to the side of the room, talking about who knows what. It was all deaf to the current you anyway. 

"________-chan! Are the boys finished with practice? We were just talking about-"

"Yukie-san, I'm kind of tired today, so I'm just gonna go to sleep now." you quickly spoke before she could say more, getting into your futon and turning your back to the group. You didn't want to see your body in comparison to theirs right now. 

"Oh. Ok..." you heard her reply.

You spent the remainder of the night wrapped in your futon, wishing again and again that your unsightly self could disappear.

You woke up the next morning, the bags under your eyes growing worse again. 

"_______-chan, you okay? Your face looks kind of pale." you heard Yukie worry for you. 

"I'm okay. Let's go now, or we might be late to breakfast." you replied, trying to put on a normal smile. Luckily, she didn't seem to notice something was wrong.

Looking at the food made you sick. 

Usually, you'd like to eat an apple with a piece of toast for breakfast, but the thought of even eating something made you feel like you wanted to throw up. 

Akaashi was next to you, looking at your empty plate with a worried look, "You aren't eating anything? You didn't have anything since dinner last night right?"

Smiling weakly, you replied to him, "I'm okay. I'm just not feeling hungry. You guys can eat more." You then stood up and walked away, not wanting to be with everyone else anymore. Feeling a wave of anxiety rush through you, you quickly made your way to a secluded area. 

Sitting down, you felt a panic attack starting to happen. You wrapped your arms around yourself, essentially hugging yourself. Feeling the waterways start, tears started rolling down your face, your body started trembling, and you let out a couple of sobs.

"If someone saw me right now, I would probably look horrible, even worse than usual." you thought. You continued crying until you were exhausted. 

Seeing that breakfast was almost over, you went to the bathroom to make sure your face looked normal, and went to rejoin the others. 

Morning practice was uneventful. Why did lunch come so fast?

"_________, you need to eat something." Akaashi kept insisting.

"I'm fine, I just...I don't want to eat right now. You guys go first." you quickly smiled as you pushed Akaashi and Bokuto towards the cafeteria.

"But-"

"Akaaashi, let's goo! _______ can join us in a bit!"

For the first time in a while, you were thankful for Bokuto's whiny personality. You laughed and said you would join them later.

Your stomach gurgled as you walked around the empty gym, cleaning up a stray ball here and there. Everyone else was probably at the cafeteria right now, eating. You resigned yourself to drinking water at the water fountain. At least that wouldn't count as calories right?

After drinking a bit, you heard a snicker behind you. Your heart dropped as your recognised that voice.

It was Tsukishima.

"Hey, fatty. Why aren't you in the cafeteria? Oh...scared of gaining even more pounds?" he smirked, his tall stature making you feel even smaller than usual.

"J-just leave me alone..." you mumbled, trying to side-step him. 

"Pftt..." he blocked you, stepping wherever you stepped, "Maybe you would have an easier time moving around if you lost a few, huh?"

You felt a stabbing pain in your heart as you just resigned yourself to push him aside.

"Oof!" you heard him feign a gasp as you trudged off, "Your strength is incredible, you almost broke my bone! Must be all that _weight_ behind it..."

Feeling tears prick at your eyes again, you ran straight back to your room, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry. 

Akaashi was worried.

"Yukie-san, have you seen _______?"

"Noooope..." the girl replied in her usual lethargic manner, "I thought she was with you?"

He shook his head, "She said she would come later, but she never came in the end. She hasn't had breakfast or lunch."

Yukie was a bit surprised at that statement, "Welll...she was acting a bit weird when she came back last night."

Akaashi thought about it, "Did you ask her what's wrong?"

Yukie shook her head, "She just went straight to bed."

You heard someone come in the room.

"_______-chan?"

"Yukie-san..." you mumbled, recognising the voice.

"It's dinnertime, you should come eat."

Food. Again. Why was it always about food? 

"I'm not feeling hungry, you guys can go eat."

"________."

You shuddered at her sudden stern voice.

"You haven't eaten all day. What's wrong?"

"It's nothing. Just...leave me alone for a while."

"___-"

"I said it's fine. Just leave me alone for a while." you felt your voice almost break while saying that sentence.

Yukie sighed, she knew there was no getting you out if you didn't want to. 

"Akaashi's worried about you, you know."

You felt a pang in your heart, "Just tell him I'm fine. I'm fine." the second sentence was more like reassurance to yourself.

That night, you fell asleep with hunger pains in your stomach.


	2. Run Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mkay btw i'm sorry i made tsukki such a bad dude but yanno...gotta make a storyline somehow hehe

You were jolted awake by the sensation of pain jabbing at your stomach. Immediately getting up, you ran to the bathroom as fast as you could. Bending over the toilet seat, you retched, but nothing came up. There was nothing in there in the first place. Continuously gagging but having nothing come up made tears well up in your eyes. 

It hurts.

Everything hurts. 

My heart, my body, my mind.

It just...hurts. 

The words you heard, the bullying in the past, the things in your mind you think will happen in the future. Everything just hurt. As you kneeled there, hunched over the toilet, sobbing your heart out with tears streaming down your face, you wondered. 

'Why was I born this way? Why can't I be like the other girls? All cute, pretty, gorgeous, amazing...' 

'I just want to disappear. This flab, fat, chub, baby fat, whichever words and terms people use to describe my body. I wish it would all disappear.'

'I hate myself. Why can't I accept my own body? Why can't people just ignore me? Why couldn't I be born normal? Why can't...I love myself?'

It always came back to that.

You couldn't love yourself. 

Rising to your feet, you got out of the stall, the pain in your stomach reduced to a light pang every few seconds. 

You looked in the mirror. 

Swollen face, chubby cheeks, bloodshot eyes, scrunched up nose. 

You gazed at the girl who caused you so much pain. 

What smile should you use to greet the others tomorrow? Akaashi must've noticed something was off, observant as he always was. 

Akaashi. 

The only good thing that ever happened to you. Maybe God used all your luck and fortune in pairing you with him in this lifetime. 

Akaashi was everything you could ever ask for in a boyfriend. He had even helped you open up more to the people in the volleyball club. 

You used your hands to move your cheeks around, finally finding the perfect smile to make tomorrow and practicing it in the mirror. 

Perfect. 

Walking out of the bathroom, you slowly made your way back to your room.

Suddenly, you bumped into someone walking out of the boy's bathroom. 

"Agh! I'm sorry!" you instantly apologized. 

It was a boy with dyed hair, but you could see his obvious roots growing out, why wasn't he dyeing it back?

He was just a bit taller than you, but his arms were as thin as a stick compared to the other people in this camp.

Searching your memories, you think this was-

"Kozume-san?"

He nodded, "Kenma is fine."

It seemed like he wanted to say something, fiddling around with the game controller in his hands.

"A-are you okay?" he suddenly asked.

Your mind blanked out. 

He heard.

He heard everything. 

From when?

From the retching? Gagging? Sobbing? Gasping?

Shock numbed your mind as you tried to comprehend what just happened. 

You couldn't find any words, so you decided just to push past him and run back to your room. 

You couldn't stay here.

You had to leave. 

Sneaking into your room, you quietly packed all your things and left a note. 

_I'm gonna go back first, I suddenly remembered I had something to do._

It was an obvious excuse and people would know it was fake, but you had no other options. 

In the dead of night, you set off.

Akaashi woke up with a mission. 

He had to know what in the world was bothering you.

Bokuto was still snoring away in the futon next to him, but Akaashi always woke up on time, no matter where he was or what he was doing. 

Washing up and heading out, he knew you were an early riser too, and set off to find you. 

He knocked on the door to the girls room. He could hear the bunch of them chattering away already, probably getting ready to wake the boys up. He chuckled as he remember what you had did last year. You put a pile of whipped cream on a plate and smushed it down on Bokuto-san's face when he refused to wake up, it didn't wake him up right away, but it ended with him buzzing from a sugar high first thing in the morning.

As he was about to open the door, someone beat him to it. 

"Akaashi! I'm glad you're here!" 

It was Yukie, her hair still messy from waking up. 

"What's the matter?"

"_______-chan left!"

Akaashi's eyes widened. 

What? Why would you leave?

"She left this note, but I don't think it's true. I don't know what was bothering her, but this morning when we woke up, she was gone! She took all her stuff with her too."

"Wait, I'll try to call her." Akaashi immediately replied, dialling your number in his phone. 

_This number is not available right now, pleas-_

"She's not answering."

"Akaashi, should I go find her?" Yukie was worried, wringing her hands.

Akaashi sighed, it wasn't like they could leave this training camp at any time they liked. It seems like it would have to wait until after.

He sent a quick text to you.

7:25

_________, where are you?_

_Are you home?_

_Please reply, we're all worried._


	3. Home Sweet Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home.

It was barely morning when you got back home. After leaving the camp, you walked for a while until you got to a main road, then taking a taxi home, because it was quite a distance from the training camp. Dumping all your stuff on the bed, you collapsed onto the soft mattress, cringing slightly when you heard the spring creak under your weight. Was it time to change mattresses?

You looked at the clock. It was around 7 already. The early risers should be getting up soon. Wondering what the reactions of the other people will be, your face contorted slightly as another pang in your stomach hit you. 

Heading downstairs, you got to the fridge. Thank god your parents had stocked it before going off on their business trips. Honestly, it was the perfect timing for you just to have some time alone. Opening the door, you see an array of food before your eyes, something that usually excited you. But right now, it caused nothing but nausea. As you swallowed the rising bile in your throat, you quickly slammed the door shut and headed towards the cabinets instead. There wasn't much in there, just some dry food. Sighing, you turned back to the fridge and quickly grabbed a nutrient jelly pack.

They weren't the best, but at least they would sustain you without having you consume even more calories. The thought of eating currently disgusted you. Slowly trudging back up the stairs, you sucked on the jelly pack lightly, not wanting to finish it too fast. 

Thinking about what had happened last night slightly scared you. You weren't sure if Akaashi and Kenma were close, but you knew that the two captains of their teams were close, meaning that the news of what happened could've already reached Akaashi's ears by all you knew. Was he disappointed in you? Maybe that was for the best. It wouldn't be good for you to keep living in this wonderful fantasy of Akaashi Keiji being your boyfriend. Maybe after you broke up, he would finally see you for who you are...

This thought process plagued your mind for the entire rest of the day. Somehow splitting the jelly pack into all three meals, you finally realised you hadn't turned on your phone for the entire day. Did Akaashi message you? Slowly waiting for your phone to turn on, you wondered what he would say. Was he mad at you for abandoning the camp midway through?

7:25

_________, where are you?_

_Are you home?_

_Please reply, we're all worried._

You sighed. Why was Akaashi such a sweet person. No one would ever treat you as kindly as he did. 

20:15

_Hey, sorry I haven't been active all day. I hope everything is going fine at the camp. So sorry I didn't tell everyone in person I had to go. I totally forgot about it haha._

_Anyways, you should still be in practice right. You guys better win all your games! I'm cheering you guys on from home >_<_

There, that should be good enough right. You couldn't tell anything was wrong from those two texts, right?

The whole day had just been you lying on your bed and either crying yourself to sleep or thinking about how unworthy you were of Akaashi and other things like that. All the energy was sapped out of you. Maybe the fact that you only had one nutrient pack also contributed to that lack of energy. Slightly grabbing your love handles, you decided it was time to take a shower, wash your face, maybe it's time for some self care. 

After taking a long relaxing bath, lighting some scented candles, and doing a face mask, you felt slightly better. All you had to do was avoid mirrors and you would be fine. You were sat on your bed when your phone pinged. 

21:30

_________, I'm glad you got home safe. Practice just ended, but of course Bokuto-san would want to do extra...so of course I would have to stay with him..._

You chuckled slightly at that statement. Akaashi was always complaining or saying things like this, but you knew that deep down he had a huge soft spot for the ace, understanding him better than everyone else. 

21:31

_I hope you're taking care of yourself._

Your smile froze on your face, then turning into a knowing smile. Of course he noticed, how could he not?

21:32

_Are the old problems coming back again? Do you need me?_

Tears started welling up in your eyes once more, wetting the phone screen you were looking at. How could he be such an angel? Why was he dating you? 

You couldn't help but look at yourself in the mirror, echoes of people's voices sounded in your ears. Past bullies, gossip you heard about you before, mean comments and snarky comments in general, the whole shebang.

_Did you hear? _______ is dating Akaashi!_

_Are you serious? That's hilarious!_

_Hey ________, stop trying to run in PE, it's disgusting for us trying to watch the pretty girls, and then we see you jogging around with all that flab!_

_________, why don't you date me? There's no one else who will date someone of your level._

_Wow...look at this fatty, you ever heard of the word exercise?_

Tremors took over as you almost dropped your phone on the ground. Firmly grasping it with your trembling hands, you quickly typed out a message. 

21:34

_Don't worry, I'm fine! This definitely won't happen again. Also, don't you remember? I'm over that sort of stuff by now :)_

Not wanting to wait for his reply, you turned off your phone and curled up into a ball on the bed, shoulders shaking from the sobs you were holding in. Breath after breath wheezed it's way our of your mouth. Staring down at your hands, you had one thought.

Wow, even my fingers are fat.

21:35

_If you say so...I'll always be here for you to talk, you know that right? If something or someone is bothering you, let me know._

Akaashi frowned when he didn't get a reply to his message. He knew how you could get when you reverted back to your old self. You never seemed to have much self-esteem, and when it seemed like you had gained some back, someone or something would always knock you back down. Did something happen during camp which he didn't see?

"Agaaaaaasheee...toss to me!" Bokuto was whining from behind where Akaashi was checking his phone. 

SIghing, he turned to him, "Bokuto-san, did you think _________ was acting weird during camp?"

"Hm?? Uh...I don't really know...she still doesn't really talk much. She needs more confidence!"

"Easy for you to say, Bokuto-san."

Akaashi thought about it more deeply. Not wanting to eat and pretending to smile were all habits that you did when you were starting to hit that breaking point again. You were fine before you came to the training camp though. What happened in this time when he didn't see you? With not enough details, his eyebrows creased as he thought more and more, reaching no conclusion in the end. There simply weren't enough things in order for him to come to a conclusion. As he was thinking of asking around, Kuroo suddenly came up to the spiker and setter duo, dragging a certain pudding-haired setter with him. 

"Yo, Akaashi."

"Hello, Kuroo-san, Kenma-san."

The shorter boy nodded slightly, looking a bit nervous?

"Kenma apparently has something he wants to tell you? I'm not sure, he didn't want to tell me for some reason."

"I-It's related to your manager who I think wasn't here today? Did she go home?" the younger boy spoke up. 

"________?" Akaashi questioned, "Yes, she said she forgot that she had something to do, so she went home ahead of time."

"Is she your girlfriend?" the boy asked in a small voice.

"Yes." Akaashi immediately answered. Over the course of time from when you guys had first started dating until now, he doesn't know how many times he had been asked that question. There were some who simply refused to accept it, some who were prejudiced against her and assumed that Akaashi was dating her just for fun, and some people were just horrible about it in general. Of course, there were always nice people who didn't question anything and were just generally good, but the other types of people were what caused _________ to be insecure all the time. Akaashi hated them for doing that. 

_________ was an amazing person, but so many people couldn't see past her outer appearance. They judged her based on what they saw on the outside, and not who she actually was. Unknowingly, this was what ________ started doing to herself too. He self confidence and self love plummeted down to negative numbers because of that.

Kuroo whistled, "Woahhh, didn't expect that, you-"

"Kuroo-san, this is the only time I'll say this. Watch. What. You. Say." Akaashi said back, a slight growl in his voice. He had heard his fair share of responses.

Putting both his hands up in a defensive gesture, Kuroo replied quickly, "Hey, man, I wasn't gonna say anything rude. I was just gonna say that you two looked cute together, that's all."

The grown on Akaashi's face lessened slightly. Just slightly.

Kenma looked kind of nervous when he saw Akaashi's reaction, this not escaping Akaashi's eyes.

"So, Kenma-san, what's wrong?"

"U-um...so, yesterday I was going to the toilet in the middle of the night when I heard-" the boy paused, seeming like he didn't know whether he should continue speaking or not. 

"Please do continue."

"Ok...I h-heard someone like...I don't know how to say this...gagging? Retching? Kind of like sobbing in the girls toilet, and I-I don't know why but it just went on for a while. I was kinda worried...so I just kinda...waited? Outside the toilet. I-I don't mean this in a creepy way. I just kinda...stood there..." the boy mumbled and eventually stopped speaking. 

Akaashi clenched his hands into fists at his sides.

"After that, I think she came out of the stall and just stood in front on the sink for a while...I don't know what she was doing...a-and then afterwards she accidentally bumped into me and I-I asked her if she was okay. I don't think she knew that I was there? I think she was just kind of shocked for a moment and then she just ran away? I'm not sure what happened after that but is something wrong? I just wanted to ask...she seems nice."

Akaashi had been clenching so hard that he could feel his nails digging into his skin, threatening to break the skin and draw blood if it continued any deeper. You obviously weren't fine?! Why did you say that? Why didn't you tell him? You weren't even saying anything in your texts. 

It was the first time the other three had seen Akaashi so angry that his face started turning a bit red. 

"A-Akaashi..." Bokuto was the first to say something, "I-Is something wrong with _______?"

"I am going to find out what exactly happened and I am going to get to the bottom of this." Akaashi declared right then and there, his face showing how infuriated he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you liked this story, please leave a kudos and a comment ! i'd love to hear feedback :)

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this, leave a comment or kudos? thanks :)


End file.
